Grandmother, please be strong... I love you

I just heard the news today about my grandmother and the news left me in a state of shock. Everything went slow motion and I was still grasping every word that was said. Here I am trying to make a fool of myself, telling myself that it was just a dream that I could wake up.I closed my eyes again, waiting for someone to wake me up, but then tears were streaming down my face. I felt and taste it, it was real, it was real..... :(

It saddens me so much that she has to suffer severe pain in spite of her age. She was well during my birthday. She was laughing in front of her other grandchildren while talking to me on the phone. I heard her heart beating with laughter and saw her smile at the back of my mind while she was singing the birthday song. She was dancing, singing and talking to me like i was just there beside her. I know she was very happy at that time. Talking to her on the phone was heaven for me. I felt so blessed of having her as a grandmother. I felt so loved though distance sets us apart.

I am like a totally different person today while i was talking to Lola. I missed the part when i crack jokes at her. She used to tell me how excited she is to see me this march that she would do her best to gain weight. Hearing her sad voice makes me shiver. Makes me want to take the next flight out to the philippines. I heard her fear about her condition and she does not want me to know about it. She has lots of hesitations and she does not want me to be sad. I can't help but to cry myself, I had my guard down. She is the vulnerable part of me. Thinking of her situation makes me cry. I don't know what to do. I can't stop thinking about her. I love her so much and it hurts, really hurts...My heart is crunched to its purest form. I am longing to be with my beloved grandmother now, at this instant! She needs me more than ever.

I wish I can stop these tearducts from producing tears. I am tired of crying, my eyes hurt already. My body is so tired to stay up longer but my mind is wide awake. The sadness is overwhleming and it is sinking deep down inside of me.

I close my eyes and say a prayer.
God, I am praying, please make her well now, please heal her. Give the pain to me because i can bear it and I am sturdy as a tree. I am still young and I will accept it wholeheartedly without any qualms. don't let her suffer this way, she had lived her life in misery and agony before. Let her free from all of this. Let her live a longer life, I want to spend more time with her. To know her more and to tell her how much i missed her and love her. Going away was the hardest thing for me to do, but I did it because of her. I pray that her health will be replenished, get a part of my lifetime and give it to her. I pray as I offer everything to you, please don't take her away from me. She is everything i have. I lost a mother once and I can't afford to loose her. She is so precious to me if she's gone, I'll die with her. Right now I am ripped out from my flesh and my soul is tortured. Give her more time, more life to live. Please father God, I am begging you. I am kneeling before you. Please give her the miracle she deserves, I already have my miracle. I love you God, please make her well.. :(

My everdearest grandmother. Please be strong, I love you.
I want to be strong for you at this moment but i felt so weak. I am sorry but it hurts I can't be there. I am so far away from you. I wished I was there beside you, to comfort you and be there to hug you tight. This isn't the life I wanted but I had to live the risk i took when i decided to leave. I love you so much and I am hurting now. I am crying, I can't sleep and I am thinking of you.

-- "please be well, please be wellllll..."

I need to stop writing now...I can't take the pain.....no words can describe what I am feeling. "ineth....stop and take a rest.... Miracles will happen...I know you believe it"