Things will never be the same the way I want to

Have you ever thought of things that would last for a lifetime but in reality it doesn't exist? Then you just wake up one day and notice that you are in an unfamiliar circumstance?
While wide awake you have to feel pain in order to let go of things you can't afford to loose?
Does reality succumbs you to decide on the most difficult decision you will make and you think life will be much easier?
Have you tried moving on in a short notice and all you can do is look back and cry?
is there a time when you tell yourself that everything will turn into place without affecting you so much and all you say is that "it is okay"?
is it very easy to say things your mind tells you but your heart says different things?
Is it okay to think of what lies ahead and all you can think of is yourself?
Is it just me thinking too much or is it the intuition that you know something's gonna happen for sure?

I have experienced this and it is not easy to accept things the way it will be(future). I try to pretend that I am okay but deep inside i am hurting more than ever. It is a good hurt I would say. It really is!
I will get hurt, I will stand up and I will move on.I will heal in time, i know i would. I won't rush things over, I will promise not to cry, I will promise not to differ.

This isn't goodbye to my old self but it is the beginning a new chapter of my life. I know anytime soon a lot of things will change drastically and I need to prepare my self for that.
I know how to deal with my emotions but i am not ready to face the avalanche that will be coming soon or perhaps these emotions are too strong for me to err?
I wish i am strong, and be stronger tomorrow. I need to face the future head on and accept everything fully. What lies beneath the surface should not shake me.


Somehow,I need to remember these:

a few things to embrace with an open mind
a bruising and aching heart matched with reality check
optimism of what the future lies ahead
the agility to protect myself from total sadness
antidote for the inevitable sorrow
shield of love and happiness
an instrument for my healing process
sound of unwavering silence
fruit of unparalleled labor
a well of what-ifs and doubts
a light to an untimely death
lessons of life and love
wisdom for a troubled mind
indelible mark of my existence
a family to keep me sheltered
power of prayers
and the pain of letting go


I just sit here in the dark and sigh, i ask myself... "ineth, are you ready?"
As i turn a new leaf, I must say, good luck and be prepared....The greatest story untold... Life, Death and the Rebirth of M.E.....:(

til my next post...ciao..

Promise me, that no matter what you'll never let go

I just want to post this quick poem i made while making chikkas to my flatmates. I am so sorry, I wasn't paying attention to our talk. It's just that I am in the mood to write a quickie post, so here it is.

I searched,
for the missing piece of the puzzle.
I found,
a place where i fit in.
I walked,
and I grieved too much.
I sang,
with a broken heart.
I laughed,
my heart burst into laughter.
I cried,
drowned myself into tears.
I am hurt,
and I'll be hurt even more.
I will cry,
until there's a reason not to.

I accepted you,
and I can't get you out of my life that easily
I'll remember you
in every waking day of my life.

I love you
I treasure you
I care for you so much
and I will miss you every single second of the day

You are my friend, my family and a part of me
I am keeping you wherever I'll be
Promise me, that no matter what you'll never let go...
If everything in my life fails.



This quick post is dedicated to my BESTFRIENDS.(you know who you are)
Please read this post if I am so so so far away from your grasp or if you think you are missing me. (in the near future i guess)
I am keeping you in my heart til the rest of my days....until i die. Thank you for everything you have given me. Life is easier having YOU around.

til here, need to finish my other drafts... ciao.

Grandmother, please be strong... I love you

I just heard the news today about my grandmother and the news left me in a state of shock. Everything went slow motion and I was still grasping every word that was said. Here I am trying to make a fool of myself, telling myself that it was just a dream that I could wake up.I closed my eyes again, waiting for someone to wake me up, but then tears were streaming down my face. I felt and taste it, it was real, it was real..... :(

It saddens me so much that she has to suffer severe pain in spite of her age. She was well during my birthday. She was laughing in front of her other grandchildren while talking to me on the phone. I heard her heart beating with laughter and saw her smile at the back of my mind while she was singing the birthday song. She was dancing, singing and talking to me like i was just there beside her. I know she was very happy at that time. Talking to her on the phone was heaven for me. I felt so blessed of having her as a grandmother. I felt so loved though distance sets us apart.

I am like a totally different person today while i was talking to Lola. I missed the part when i crack jokes at her. She used to tell me how excited she is to see me this march that she would do her best to gain weight. Hearing her sad voice makes me shiver. Makes me want to take the next flight out to the philippines. I heard her fear about her condition and she does not want me to know about it. She has lots of hesitations and she does not want me to be sad. I can't help but to cry myself, I had my guard down. She is the vulnerable part of me. Thinking of her situation makes me cry. I don't know what to do. I can't stop thinking about her. I love her so much and it hurts, really hurts...My heart is crunched to its purest form. I am longing to be with my beloved grandmother now, at this instant! She needs me more than ever.

I wish I can stop these tearducts from producing tears. I am tired of crying, my eyes hurt already. My body is so tired to stay up longer but my mind is wide awake. The sadness is overwhleming and it is sinking deep down inside of me.

I close my eyes and say a prayer.
God, I am praying, please make her well now, please heal her. Give the pain to me because i can bear it and I am sturdy as a tree. I am still young and I will accept it wholeheartedly without any qualms. don't let her suffer this way, she had lived her life in misery and agony before. Let her free from all of this. Let her live a longer life, I want to spend more time with her. To know her more and to tell her how much i missed her and love her. Going away was the hardest thing for me to do, but I did it because of her. I pray that her health will be replenished, get a part of my lifetime and give it to her. I pray as I offer everything to you, please don't take her away from me. She is everything i have. I lost a mother once and I can't afford to loose her. She is so precious to me if she's gone, I'll die with her. Right now I am ripped out from my flesh and my soul is tortured. Give her more time, more life to live. Please father God, I am begging you. I am kneeling before you. Please give her the miracle she deserves, I already have my miracle. I love you God, please make her well.. :(

My everdearest grandmother. Please be strong, I love you.
I want to be strong for you at this moment but i felt so weak. I am sorry but it hurts I can't be there. I am so far away from you. I wished I was there beside you, to comfort you and be there to hug you tight. This isn't the life I wanted but I had to live the risk i took when i decided to leave. I love you so much and I am hurting now. I am crying, I can't sleep and I am thinking of you.

-- "please be well, please be wellllll..."

I need to stop writing now...I can't take the pain.....no words can describe what I am feeling. "ineth....stop and take a rest.... Miracles will happen...I know you believe it"

Not yet Sober

I am still feeling dizzy while writing this post. My head is aching terribly and I am not productive to my work today. I spent 3 hours finding one line of code which can be found in 1 minute time. My officemate always laugh at me for my so called stupidity. She asks a question, and I ask her to repeat it again and again. It would take time for me to formulate the exact answer. She defines it as LOADING...I am like this pentium 1 processor that takes a long time to process. Even now, I am typing 5 words per minute, i forget the next word i should use. This is the effect of last night's drinking spree. The alcohol intoxicated me so much and affected my thoughts and the way i think. I think this will last for another 24 hours or so. I am not feeling any better. Every second, my head is getting painful and painful. I am feeling groggy. I think I'll be sick, I will have fever. They day is still too long to rest.

This is ridiculous...uhuhuuhu.. Please somebody help me.

--I am writing this to remind myself not to drink too much in the future... I know that when I will come back home to the Cebu, a lot of drinking sprees will happen.

I will drink but not too much, I can do this! aja...

Ineth, drink moderately! :(

a Birthday Letter

Dear ineth,

You and I know we've known each other for 24 years now to be exact. A lot of things have changed in your life. I have witnessed all the interesting episodes as I watch you grow into a promising individual. You were a queen of your own drama and a fighter of your own battle. I've seen you laugh at formidable circumstances, cry over painful memories and danced yourself to the beat of the music.

I felt the pain when you thought of the days when you were a kid. The death of your mother left a staggering pain and the longing for a mother's touch. The unforgivable words uttered by your father left an indelible mark in your existence. The lies and deceitful eyes of your stepmother made you hate yourself for being so weak, that you were not able to defend yourself in times you knew you were right. The trust you bestowed to your brother was put into waste but still you were still forgiving. You loved him unconditionally and yet your goodness was was nothing.

The supposed-to-be-happiest-day-of-your-life (you graduated in high school with medals, you got the No.1 spot of a scholarship grant, and you graduated in college with honors) became a nightmare and you wished it didn't happen. The last strand of your wit was put into test and you decided to leave your family and friends to work in another country. All of these were mine to bear. Everything was carved to let you remember what you've been through... But nevertheless, you withstood these and took all the chances for salvation.

The solitude that you were feeling almost everyday has been the hardest thing for me to bear. I saw it in your eyes the dull glare of the sun that's slowly fading. It resembles the life force being sucked out from your being. You were sad and I knew it, but i didn't cared about it. You wanted to cry but I told you not to. You asked for my presence but I just sat in the corner and watched you grieve.I understand what you are up to and I want you to know that you are the bravest person I've met. Your deeds were astonishing to others that it came to the point you forgot to think for yourself. You are wonderful and an unselfish living creature in the planet. I will love you for what you are and I will never get tired of you.

I don't care if you grow old with age, neither do i care if you will have fine lines. Some people may think bad about you, but I will never do. You have the greatest sets of friends and I know they are lucky to have you. You love them so much that hurting them is the last thing you will do. You have a very supportive family who will be spending their lives thinking about you.

There are a lot of good things that will happen to you in the next days, weeks, months, years, decades and centuries. Never cease to remember that God has put you in that situation because He knows you can suffice all of it. Thank Him for giving you the patience and perseverance to endure everyday struggles. Thank Him for everything, may it be good or bad.

This is your day and live it, be happy because no one can take it. Smile for no reason, laugh at all cost. You have the perfect gifts.. LIFE, LOVE, FRIENDS, FAMILY and most especially another YEAR to live. The anticipation you feel in seeing your grandmother is overwhelming that I want to be there when that day comes. I'll be watching you.

Happy Birthday and may all your dreams come true...I love you daughter and will always be proud of you..
I wished i didn't die so that I can be with you today.
Just look at the star in the sky and you will see me shining on you. I will always be in your heart. NOW and FOREVER.

Always,

Mother

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miss you mom...wished you were here.